Kurt Hummel and The Order of The Penis
by ConstantComment
Summary: Kurt trick-or-treats with New Directions as none other than Harry Potter, and Finn is confusingly talkative about Kurt's wild hair, round glasses, and penciled lightning bolt. This leads to strange revelations and lots of sex. Not a crack!fic, seriously.


**Title:** Kurt Hummel and The Order of the Penis

**Rating:** NC-17 (X)

**Word Count:** ~3,025 (WHATTTT?)

**Summary:** Finn and Kurt decide to go trick-or-treating with the rest of the Glee Club. Kurt dresses up as Harry Potter, and Finn is strangely aroused by the sight of Kurt's wild hair, round glasses, and penciled lightning bolt on his forehead. This leads to strange revelations and lots of sex.

**Warnings:** Harry Potter references! Slash! Underage canoodling! Straight up sexytimez! Also ignores "Theatricality" and any other gay issues that Finn and Kurt may have hashed out. And Rachel/Finn. That pairing doesn't exist.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own them. I wish I did. Because then things would be a lot more interesting. Mwahaha.

**Author's Notes:** This was written for a prompt by the awesomely awesome **gleefulmusings** who loves Harry Potter [almost as much as I do] and offered bonus points for Kurt yelling "ALOHAMORA" when he unzips Finn's pants. It ended up being a bit longer than a drabble. D:

-x-

Kurt Hummel would never admit he had been completely sober when deciding on his Halloween costume. And now, walking down the street with the rest of New Directions – Puck kept on yelling "NUDE ERECTIONS!" at everyone they saw – Kurt really wished he'd been at least a little bit buzzed so he would have had the courage to try something a little more 'Kurt' and a little less…

"Dorky," Mercedes said finally after assessing him for a moment. She shook her head, displacing the many beads in her Cleopatra wig. "You look like a twelve-year-old, especially with Artie's glasses from seventh grade."

"I think he looks cool!" Finn said, slinging an arm around Kurt's shoulders and grinning ridiculously with his green face paint. "Did you know Harry Potter was based on a book series?"

Kurt grimaced and avoided Mercedes' incredulous look. She sighed and flipped a few strands of her wig out of her face before nearly being plowed over by Rachel, who pranced up to the front of their group and twirled, the fringe of her Pocahontas costume twirling with her.

"Looks like she's having a Disney-gasm," Mike muttered through his Freddy Krueger mask.

"Your costume is inaccurate!" Kurt yelled.

"This is the exact replica of the costume Pocahontas wore in the Disney classic," Rachel replied, hands on her hips.

Everyone groaned.

"The real Pocahontas would've been _nekkid_."

Quinn hit Puck upside the head with her devil's triton, upsetting his angel halo, before addressing Kurt. "I don't think I've ever seen your hair this messy."

"It took some serious work with my mousse."

"Moose?" Brittany asked around a 3 Musketeers Bar.

"Hair gel, babe," Santana patted Brittany on her bunny tail before adjusting her Cat Woman mask.

They passed through a couple neighborhoods, ding-dong ditching and stealing candy from bratty kids before coming across a block party on Johnston Place. There was booze everywhere, and themed music, and pumpkin pie and candy and BBQ and everything Halloween-themed that you could imagine.

Kurt was disgusted. Although, that green drink looked yummy.

"Hey, Kurt! Your hair's still messy."

Kurt patted Finn on the shoulder before taking his beer from him. "You're no longer sober; I'm sure of that."

"You kinda look like – hic – you had a night of wild sex."

Kurt blushed and looked away, taking a sip of the beer before muttering, "I wish."

"It's kinda…" Finn wrapped an arm around Kurt's waist.

"Uhm."

"Hey, Kurt, baby, I'ma head home. My momma's gonna freak if I'm not home by eleven." Mercedes eyed the two of them before disappearing into the crowd of merrymakers.

Kurt waved belatedly.

"Bye, Mercedes Jooooones!" Finn waved over the heads of people before leaning down, his lips perilously close to Kurt's cheek. "As I was saying. You look good. But—" Finn snorted with laughter. "—the glasses make your eyes look like… like goldfish eyes."

"Oh, thanks, asshole." Kurt pushed him away and placed the beer behind a foam tombstone.

"Hey, guys!" Tina and Artie rolled by in Artie's wheelchair. Tina was a vampire once more and Artie… Well, Artie looked like an idiot with the clock hanging around his neck and the Viking hat. "We're heading home."

"God, everyone's so boooring!" Finn moaned.

Tina rolled her eyes and jumped out of Artie's lap. "Puck walked Quinn home half-an-hour ago and Matt and Mike went back to Mike's to play Halo. I have no clue where Brittany and Santana are."

Artie grinned lasciviously. "I think I have a clue."

"Where's Rachel?" Finn asked.

"Her dads picked her up after some kid in a Shrek costume spilled juice on her."

Kurt grabbed Finn's hand and the four of them walked back toward McKinley High. "I have my car parked near the gym," he said. "What about you guys?"

"My van's parked by the dugout. Unfortunately," Tina muttered. She turned to Artie. "You want a ride home?"

Artie nodded.

They got to school without much more trouble than Finn's tendency to sing "The Monster Mash" at the top of his lungs.

"Finn, are you still drunk?" Kurt asked when they reached his car. He searched his robes for his car keys, finding his wand instead. "Shit."

"No," Finn chuckled. "I'm not. I just thought it was funny to annoy the crap out of Artie and Tina instead of watching them make googly eyes at each other."

Kurt laughed. "Googly eyes? Are you sure you're not even slightly wasted?"

Finn scratched the back of his head, dislodging one of the fake bolts in his neck. "Can we get in the car, yet?"

"Aha! Here we are." Kurt fumbled with his keys and unlocked the car so he wouldn't have to inwardly squeal over how adorable Finn looked, even in his tacky costume. Kurt wasn't one to talk, anyway. "I had a surprising amount of fun," he said as when he put the car into drive.

"Me, too." Finn took off the other bolt and tossed them in the drink holder. "Sorry I was, like, harassing you all night."

"It's okay. You were drunk."

"Yeah, but… I'm kinda fascinated by your hair."

"Erm." Kurt pulled onto McKinley Road before glancing over at Finn. "Do you like Harry Potter?"

"I love Harry Potter! With the magic and the dragons and the hot girl—what's her name?"

"Emma Watson," Kurt said through gritted teeth.

"Yeah! Her! She's a babe."

Kurt smacked the steering wheel. "She's not supposed to be 'a babe'! She's supposed to have big teeth and thick, brown hair and—"

"Like you?" Finn asked, turning to him.

"Exactly! She's supposed to be _plain_." They stopped at a red light

"Kurt, you're not plain."

"Oh, shut up, Finn—"

Finn lunged across the car, grabbed Kurt's chin and kissed him. Kurt gasped as soon as they parted lips, but Finn didn't give him more than that. "You are not plain," he said and he kissed Kurt again, making sure to leave him breathless before the light turned green. Kurt stared at Finn for a long while, his chest heaving, before Finn returned to his seat and pointed at the traffic light.

Kurt stepped on it.

There were only a couple moments of silence before Kurt burst out, "You kiss me. For the first time. While I'm wearing a fucking HARRY POTTER COSTUME."

"Uhh…"

"What the fuck, Finn?"

"It's not because of the costume—I mean, well, it sort of is but not like _that_."

"Please, Finn," Kurt snapped. "Please explain to me how you are not a complete _weirdo_."

Finn covered his face. "Maybe I should explain when you're not about to drive us into that streetlight."

Kurt looked at the road. "What? Oh, shit!" He swerved back into his lane.

They both sighed in relief.

"…Sorry," Kurt said, finally taking off the stupid glasses and pushing a hank of hair out of his eyes.

"It's not because you look like Harry Potter."

"Super."

"It's…" Finn looked over at Kurt. "Okay, so I've always thought you were kind of cute. But I thought that was because you were always so done up. Kind of like a girl."

"_Excuse_ me?"

"Let me finish!" Finn growled. "So, I was okay with that. But you're dressed up like a guy. I mean, you look like you kinda just rolled out of bed instead of trying so hard."

"I'm not trying hard for _you_, you know," Kurt grouched and turned onto their street. Their driveway was free, so he wouldn't have to parallel park. Thank God.

"But I was attracted to you tonight, too."

"I'm dressed like a wizard."

Finn shrugged. "I guess I like you no matter how you look."

Kurt parked the car and they both got out, coming around to the front of the car with their bags of candy. "So…"

"So, can I kiss you again? 'Cause I really, _really_ want to."

"You're dressed as Frankenstein."

"Would you rather we both showered first?"

"Well, yes actually."

Finn just grabbed Kurt around the waist and pulled him up into a kiss. Kurt, even though he really would have liked to do this when he looked less nerdy and Finn looked less green, surrendered finally and wrapped his arms about Finn's neck, his feet hovering several inches off the ground. Finn nibbled at Kurt's lips before Kurt finally let him in, their tongues slipping against one another. Kurt was the first to make a sound, moaning quietly against Finn's lips, and Finn answered by spreading his hands over Kurt's ass.

"Fuck!" Kurt whispered.

Finn laughed and pulled at Kurt's upper thighs until his legs were hooked around Finn's hips, and walked them toward the side of the house until, with a muffled 'Oof!' Kurt was pushed up against the slatted exterior of his childhood home. Finn worked his wicked way along Kurt's jaw to his ear, nibbling and sucking with more talent than Kurt had anticipated. Soon enough, Kurt was practically wailing and writhing against Finn, who wasn't exactly made of stone, either. Kurt could feel his erection – stupid Noah Puckerman and his "Nude Erections!" – pressed against the seam of his designer jeans.

"Finn, I do not want to do this outside next to the recycling."

"Kurt, whatever makes you happy." He slowly let Kurt to his feet before backing away. He couldn't go far, though, apparently, because he leaned on the trashcan and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Fuck."

"Fuck is right," Kurt muttered. "Are you...?"

"Uhm."

Kurt looked at Finn, who pushed against the bulge in his black jeans. He looked away. Then he looked back. "I'm really about to suggest this, aren't I?" he mouthed, before he strode over to Finn, slapped his hands away and unzipped his pants. "Finn, you're going to be quiet so we don't wake up our parents. Okay?"

"Wha—?"

Kurt pushed the denim and the boxers away before palming Finn's dick in his hand. It was heavy and pink, different than his own, but still nice. He wrapped his fingers around the girth and gave it a slow tug before realizing that Finn hadn't said anything. He slowly brought his eyes up to Finn's who was just looking at him with that honest expression in his eyes. "Kurt."

Kurt pushed up on his tiptoes and kissed Finn again, slowly bringing him off in front of their house. Their kiss became heated very quickly, Finn's hands roaming everywhere that he could reach on Kurt's body (which was a lot, since he had such long arms). Eventually one hand came to thread through Kurt's messy hair at the nape of his neck, and the other drifted back to where it seemed to belong, on Kurt's round ass, squeezing and pressing with more fervor the closer Kurt brought him.

After several minutes, Finn's hips were rolling with each small moan that left his lips. He pressed one final kiss to Kurt's lips before he gave up on concentrating on anything other than Kurt's expert (in his opinion) fingers. Kurt smiled giddily, giving Finn's cock a little twist at the head each time before Finn completely lost control, buried his head in Kurt's neck and his hips jolted.

"Shit," Kurt whispered after a moment. He was hard as a rock and had come all over his hands.

Finn grabbed Kurt's face and kissed him hazily. "Let's go inside."

They crept through the living room, only to find Burt parked in front of the TV watching fitness infomercials. "Fun night, boys?" he asked, glancing at them.

Finn snorted, and Kurt smacked him on the arm. "Yeah," Kurt said, his voice a bit shaky. "There was a block party on Johnston Place. They had spaghetti and eyeballs."

"Funny," Burt muttered, before returning to the TV.

"We're going to bed because we're really tired," said Finn.

Kurt rolled his eyes.

"Night boys. And Finn?"

Finn smiled charmingly at his mother's fiancé.

"Your pants are unzipped."

Kurt practically sprinted down the stairs.

Finn went right after him, but that didn't stop him from pushing Kurt into the bathroom and turning on the shower. When Kurt sent him a questioning look, he answered, "You wanted to take a shower, but I'm not going to wait that long." He helped Kurt out of his robe and got busy working on his shirt.

It was a couple of seconds before Kurt's mind started working again, and he began unbuttoning Finn's vest, too.

Finn smiled. "You still have a lightning bolt on your forehead."

Kurt poked him in the stomach before saying clearly, "Alohamora," and pushing Finn's jeans and boxers down to his ankles.

Finn let out a funny little sound that was more nerves than laughter, and stepped out of his clothes before doing the same for Kurt. They stood in the steamy bathroom in just their shirttails for a moment until Finn leaned in for another kiss, pushing Kurt's button-down off his shoulders.

They stepped into the shower and under the spray, and Kurt had just barely closed his eyes and tilted his head back before he felt Finn drop to his knees. His head snapped up and he grabbed Finn's shoulder just a second before Finn grabbed his dick and sucked it into his mouth. "Fuck!" Kurt moaned. "Jesus, Finn. This is all so sudden," he joked half-heartedly.

Finn hummed around his dick and Kurt almost came then and there, and then he actually realized that Finn had his mouth on his penis. And _then_ he came, letting out a startled gasp as Finn sucked his orgasm out of him, swallowing it down like he did this every day.

Finn kissed up his stomach and chest and neck until their tongues were entwined again. "I wanna fuck you, Kurt," Finn said, then backed into the spray. Green paint washed off easily with a little bit of soap, and soon Finn looked like Finn again. He reached out and rubbed a thumb across Kurt's forehead, successfully changing him from The Chosen One, back to the One-Whom-He'd-Just-Blown-In-The-Shower.

"We just did that."

Finn huffed out a breath. "Yeah."

Kurt looked up at Finn. "Okay."

Finn frowned.

"Okay, you can do it. But, like, right now, before I change my mind."

Finn's eyes widened and his cock bobbed comically, and he danced around looking for something that would serve at some sort of lubrication before seizing Kurt's conditioner and turning Kurt around. Finn pressed him gently against the tiles and pressed a kiss to his shoulder before squeezing a generous amount of Tressemé onto his fingers.

"Wait, are you sure?" Finn said, a bit panicked.

"Are you? Finn if you're not—"

"No! I am!" He grimaced. "Sorry. I just don't want this to be uncomfortable for you."

"Sweetie, it's gonna suck no matter what."

"I just…"

"Just do it." Kurt grabbed Finn's slick fingers and guided them down the cleft of his ass. He grabbed for Finn's wet, bare ass, pushing against his new erection. Finn huffed out a breath and slipped his fingers even further down.

They both gasped as Finn teased at Kurt's hole. Kurt pushed down, wanting more, and got two fingers in response.

"Oh!" Kurt exclaimed.

Finn slipped his other hand around Kurt's hip and began pumping, scissoring his fingers. "Yeah…"

"Oh…"

Finn snickered and added another finger.

"Shut up. Oh, God!" He turned his head to see what Finn was doing with his wicked fingers, but got Finn's lips instead. They kissed until Kurt was again writhing against Finn and his hard cock. "C'mon," Kurt finally begged.

Finn withdrew his fingers and grabbed his dick, doing as Kurt had asked, pushing in to the hilt.

Kurt groaned through gritted teeth, eyes squeezed shut.

"S'okay," Finn said against his neck. He withdrew very slowly, and began thrusting shallowly, one hand gripping Kurt's hip harshly. Kurt whimpered, but pressed back against Finn, readjusting so his head rested on a forearm. His other waved in the steamy space trying to find Finn's other hand. "S'okay," Finn whispered again, and took his hand.

Kurt held it tight until Finn was panting against his ear. But, Finn stopped after a second and pulled Kurt away from the tiles, linking their fingers around Kurt's neglected cock. "Finn," Kurt said.

"Yeah?" Finn rolled his hips, seeming to try to reach—

"Holy Mother of God!" Kurt's erection surged to life, and he began pumping frantically, feeling full and – frankly – extremely aroused, especially if Finn kept doing _that_.

"Did my research," grunted Finn, before hitting it again.

And again.

And again.

"Of course you did, now shut _up_ and please continue whatever it is you researched!"

Finn did what he was told.

Which was nice.

Because soon they'd lost all control, especially Kurt, who had turned into some sort of wanton slut as soon as he had discovered his prostate.

"Oh, man…" Finn moaned. "I'm gonna come, like–"

Kurt came.

"_Ah!_" Finn exclaimed as his orgasm was practically pulled from him by Kurt's fluttering muscles.

They sagged against the shower wall, and it wasn't until the water went cold that they stumbled out of the shower and waddled (on Kurt's part) into their room.

There was about a fifteen-minute period of awkward dressing-for-bed time, until Kurt just strode over to Finn's dresser, grabbed his hand and said, "I love you."

Finn smiled. "I know," he said quietly.

Kurt bit his lip.

"I can't say that yet, but obviously…" He gestured to the bathroom. "I'm on my way."

Kurt chuckled, color high on his cheeks.

"You wanna sleep with me tonight?"

"You're kidding, right?" Kurt's eyebrows rose significantly.

"Just sleep, Kurt. I'm more worn out than you are. I can barely walk."

Kurt eyed Finn's bed. It did look comfier, especially with the prospect of cuddling. "Sure," he murmured.

Finn nudged him toward it and shrugged on a t-shirt before joining him under the covers. Kurt turned out the lights.

"G'night," Finn muttered.

They lay there a moment before Finn gave up and snuggled up against Kurt's back.

"You're not plain," he whispered into the darkness.

Kurt turned in his arms and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

"I still think you're a weirdo."

-x-


End file.
